Get a questionnaire, then you PAINT IT RED I’m an extraordinaire at feigning dead Every day - the same lights, same class, same people The same fights, same glass, same needle The sane nights, pain gas, tame lethal I guess some things never change Just the weapon that is strange Toss empathy out the drain Mark apathy on my veins Nothing bout it is insane People never change. What’s the deal with everyone and their problems? All their tantrums, I can't understand their conundrums You say “Faith, you got to learn to suppress” Brother, it's the process You gotta tell me how they feel AHHHHHHHHH Tell me how they feel, tell me how they feel Tell me what is real, tell me what is real Tell me what to kill, tell me what to kill Please, tell me how to feel, tell me how to feel Ah AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH This is a story of the first time I saw someone die My counselor, Ms. Cissy, she never lied See, when your job is lying to kids for a living There’s an existential threat to your being She’d drink, I’d cry; an escape for us all Knowing when to say anything was not a tough call We shared the same bloodguilt - a life of two hermits Even when wordless, we could make a verdict I would say what you said, John You would say, “I know everything is wrong This isn’t where you belong Can’t bear to see you like this I'll make sure you ain’t lifeless” Do not kid me brother, you could never fight this Finished my story, then the world stopped She would then go on, the mic was dropped Forced out her house, nothing but a degree She became a teacher at just twenty Christina didn’t believe in her mother’s God Banished from her lot That reminded of myself a lot Talked about how she couldn't handle the pressure Neither of us can measure something like pleasure She would fucking vomit, the sound of a stanza My panic attack was merely the intro Shouting in unison, chanting our mantra “COVER UR FACE ‘N’ OPEN EVERY WINDOW!” She said to me how she wanted to save me I said, “no worries,” listed what she gave me Then she said for all her life she’s wanted to die And she never lies She never fucking lied... Afterschool, we met eyes in a crosswalk Had a smile, something that can't be undone Couldn't dare stop her, tried to turn my head But on my cheeks were already PAINTED - AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! I W A N T T O F U C K I N G K I L L M Y S E L F - Faith

it's the end of April still hard for me to lay still swarming like an anthill the fluids of a killer generations of curses stored in my veins but i just want to sleep die with you together 30 years ago grandma would lock mom in a shed and then 15 years later mom locked you out of her head i thought i could be better so i cut you off instead then i found my hands all red from your blood but could you blame me for what ive been taught? i couldn't help it, Faith i always run from things, its how im made thats whats fucked up can't even admit it was all my fault it's the end of April said it's a matter of will committing sinful bloodguilt never pardoned by his victim just as through one man, all men were made sinners but i just want to sleep die with you together last night, i just had to cry i remembered how you died had no time to say goodbye though, i don't make a good liar baby, let's go higher don't jump into fire mark our tombstones, open every window, lets die here i had a dream with you as an-hero you would rise up like an earthly widow reminded me of a tale father told in his note, he said of this cursed household that in his dreams, his father would blame him and his father, and his father, the same thing in my dream, all you did was stare down at me and when i tried to tell you- (...that i'm sorry.) it's the end of April you chain me down so i kneel crimson that my face feels you'll require my blood until then this inherited sin demands for ransom but i just want to sleep die with you together last night, i just had to cry i remembered how you died had no time to say goodbye though, i don't make a good liar baby, let's go higher don't jump into fire mark our tombstones, open every window, lets die here i say this far too late though i'm sure you've heard it all before sister, please stay with me forever more. - John

(He doesn’t know Just how I feel Nobody cares They just don’t seem to understand) Mother tells me I’m the fucked one Shame she couldn't get a lucked one Thankfully, I’m what you call the woke one So then “fate” can go and cuck one And fucking suck one Roll of the dice Wasn't destined to be nice So I’ll spill out all my vice, at least that will suffice A game of cat and mice where I'm the only hunted If someone did want me, I wouldn't be this wanted Muddied, my visions been all blurry Hurried, haven't had the time to worry Feel it, share my pain with you Kill it, care, even a little will do I’ve been taking the backseat It happened again that week They told me I was lacking That they didn't get me laughing (HA) Never told them that they had to When I cried for help, they didn't know I meant you Felt hopeless, good thing I was ropeless Would've ended it before COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE Manically depressed at my own pace Setting up my own demise in my space Don't kid me, cause once they've got the info I know they'd be telling me I am an-hero Sink into sorrow and cry with your pillow Just like a fucked widow, freezing at absolute zero That's when we've past the intro Tell me you'd tell them that I am an-hero Bruised on the body and scarred on the mind Now you know why I only wear long sleeves Leaving marks on me with whatever I can find Fucking myself up is what relieves- This pain Can’t be kept sane Spill out my brain Cause I am to blame When that bat hit me I knew for sure it would hurt But I smiled as the tears fell down at my shirt Red bleeding on my left eye, blue soaking up the right eye If to die was this colourful, I wouldn't even ask why It was so beautiful, both verbally and physically Two different kinds of pain inflicted on me simultaneously When I was left alone I couldn't stand on my own When you came to pick me up I thought to myself: “maybe this is enough” You yelled “why didn't you run” I said “I was just having fun” But you didn't think thats what was done Yeah, I don't deserve “fun,” I deserve none You wiped my tears with that rosy handkerchief Said “can't stand you looking like this,” you told your sis “please promise me you wont hurt yourself or let yourself be hurt” Couldn't answer, cause I didn’t want you to be hurt Manically depressed at my own pace Setting up my own demise in my space Don't kid me, cause once they've got the info I know they'd be telling me I am an-hero Sink into sorrow and cry with your pillow Just like a fucked widow, freezing at absolute zero That's when we've past the intro Tell me you'd tell them that I am an-hero COVER UR FACE 'N' OPEN EVERY WINDOW COULD I RISE LIKE A MYTHICAL HERO CADAVER PARTY, CRYING A WIDOW DON'T HAVE THE GUTS YET, THAT'S WHY MY WIN’S LOW COVER UR FACE 'N' OPEN EVERY WINDOW COULD I RISE LIKE A MYTHICAL HERO CADAVER PARTY, CRYING A WIDOW DON'T HAVE THE GUTS YET, THAT'S WHY MY WIN’S LOW (But it’s time they found out What true true true love is all about Deep shadows surround me) - Faith

and i’m never ever going back home gonna lock myself in my own dorm these regrets are simply the norm as i smell the crimson scent of hawthorn baby i know it's true memories come back in view can’t tell anymore who’s who is it you who haunts or me that haunted you? woke like a vigilante and you’ll know where to find me (haunting you) woke like a vigilante and you don’t have to mind me (haunting you) outside for the first time in my life inside i’m faking that i'm alright drinking away, thinking you was with us wanna kill myself, dont have the guts am i depressed you was repressed or just fucking obsessed my condition's validation for addiction thats fiction do i roam the streets wondering where do i have to go wondering where should i be goin', yeah or am i just looking to repent for my sins maybe someone's still hidin' unlike me, they still fightin' and i’m never ever going back home gonna lock myself in my own dorm i deserve a life of being alone it’s my destiny to wander and roam lived/ripped the last pages of your life shards and blood everywhere roommates asking "you alright?" wanna scream gotta dream cut my veins, bloodstreams i slow my breath hide my face put your letter back in place my therapist says i have trauma how could i go against dogma feels i lived these seven years in a coma then i’m thinking maybe it's karma insomniac blood test cardiac arrest culdesac protests vigilantes woke and coalesced sleeping in never waking up from my dreams so i dont sleep no more, sleep no more when i close my eyes, all i see is you anymore and i’m never ever going back home gonna lock myself in my own dorm you rise up and take your earthly form it comes crashing down in beautiful forlorn baby i know its true memories come back in view can’t tell anymore who’s who is it you who haunts or me that haunted you? woke like a vigilante and you’ll know where to find me (haunting you) woke like a vigilante and you don’t have to mind me (haunting you) - John

FACE FACE HIDE MY FACE FACE FACE HIDE MY FACE FACE FACE HIDE MY FACE FACE FACE HIDE MY FACE I've been trynna get better But I can't handle the chatter By the way, how's the weather Stutter and they get madder Oh my, where's my manners? Let me shatter my tongue with a hammer They say choosers can't be beggars Fuckers can't handle my glamour Who cares if I lose a head or two My life or a death, yeah better choose Don't know who I matter to But it's you that I'm writing this letter to CAUSE I DON’T GIVE A FUCK A- -BOUT MY OWN LIFE IF IT’S ME OR THEM I’D GLADLY GIVE UP THIS FIGHT FACE FACE HIDE MY FACE FACE FACE HIDE MY FACE It's just a different perspective My mind is being held captive Maybe I'll down on some laxative Mix it with vodka, bleach and acid Cardiac cardiac cardiac Not an act not an act Just relax just relax just relax Take a deep breath Can't be worse than death Cut myself just to know that I'm not gone Soon all of this will be done (DON'T JUMP!) But all I have is this dull sense of numb Disgusted with who I've become (DON'T JUMP!) Now the thought of being dead seems better Cause my face is beyond a saviour Wonder what'll happen if I pull the trigger WHEN I COULDN'T BE EVEN MORE DEADER FACE FACE HIDE MY FACE FACE FACE HIDE MY FACE - Faith

All my life I tried to get by without a meanin’ But that don't mean I haven't done my fair deal of sinnin’ We all sinners and the saints, that's what they got you teachin’ But I ain't capable of anything but seethin’ I’m a wreck Just a speck Don’t know what is waiting next All I know is this ability to put it down in text So I write this to you, brother, in the hopes of what? Make you feel guilt, maybe, that’s what I thought Pray like a Buddhist So may I resurrect Flow like Oktoberfest Never miss How'd I get so good at this Blush Says Thelma, all the way to Memphis Hush That gal made a wreck out of this Suicidal thoughts like Kurt Cobain Shotgun to my mouth, blow out my brain Imma go crazy, imma go insane But I'm never gonna leave you, never live the pain And I'm glad for that Open every window and just relax And till the day I die Imma play the act And you hear that? So I'm glad for that Open every window and just relax And till the day I die Imma sing the rap I admire not heroes but an-hero I look down at my doom from an 8th floor window It’s not that the asphalt seems it’s pleasing for rest But I look back to consider my chances for the best I can feel a certain heat radiating from that door My legs feel like it’s burning cause the fire’s on the floor They give out so I fall down, it’s coming close Is this giving up or resigning? Is this what I chose? Not desiring the fall, it's the terror of the flames Not desiring the fall, it's the terror of the flames No matter what I do, it’s always gonna end the same You can’t say I didn’t fucking try, don’t put me to blame Now it’s time for me to do the utmost act of courage Like a hero, out of time, so it’s my turn to perish It’s not cowardice, but ‘taking’ life into my own hands For the first time in my life, I’m the one that’s in command And I'm glad for that Open every window and just relax And till the day I die Imma play the act And you hear that? So I'm glad for that Open every window and just relax And till the day I die Imma sing the rap Not desiring the fall, it's the terror of the flames Not desiring the fall, it's the terror of the flames Now I've had it all, I’ll go end this game Goodbye world, and John - remember the name. It's Faith. - Faith

i met a girl at the graveyard the moonlight was kissing her feet i wiped my tears and watched her stare at the dirt she didn't look mournful at all “resentful” is the word i would call at one point she started speaking or something i couldn't hear but watched her lips move then she got fed up and started walking towards me she was actually telling me to fuck off i couldn't even come up with such thought i said “sorry, i hadn't noticed you had noticed me” she was like “What is wrong with you...” i wish i had told her that i wanted to comfort her because i know no one did for me because i knew no one did for you. oh, couldn't tell her couldn't tell her she reminded me of the one who laid over there buried right over there she came again next week to my surprise i was gonna go but this time she was the one staring she asked why i come here everyday its to say hello to my sister “Then I can relate.” she sighed and i loathed “then you and me both” we talked for awhile she cried but i didn't ask why but i did ask for her name she said something like “I don’t have to tell you, so I won’t.” i just said “oh well i’m John” “uh, are you okay?” “It’s just nothing.” something’s off, but is that true i don't know if it's just me or if her too - John

i've been searching for a way to live lose my mind like it's byzantine i put my head on a guillotine Charity's her name, and she gives born and buried in emerald green she lost everything as a teen wish i could take back all that i did she says, "No, you must make it routine. Till the guilt foams up and turns porcelain." and she ease my mind make me hurt sometimes but it's all just fine we talked and talked until there was nothing left to talk about we kissed in the moonlight which was weird... we just kept our distance til the feeling disappeared i said, "you know, we're lot alike dead dads who left us all but plight" she says, "There's a crucial conflict. I am powered by rage, but you with guilt." "but we're fucked up all the same," i said "Bullshit!", she says, "Your guilt's on her, not him. You can still atone, at least find comfort. Something I cannot." i met a girl and craved her heart the moonlight danced as it watched us dream - John

I pack up the things that I've written These are my records of livin’ It is so that you will find ‘em But truth be told, I knew this'd happen Play with death like it's blackjack Because I'm choking on prozac Putting my letters on a backpack Hoping you'll read it and look back I’ve made up my mind, I’m ready to die I know I'm fucked up, so why do I cry? I look to my back, and there’s fire in my eye But it feels so cold, having to say “goodbye” Doom is impending, a silent terror I’m sure about this without a margin of error One swift jump and it’ll all be better Cause now I can imagine me being deader Can’t help but imagine what will happen when I’m gone Will anyone notice or will they say “good riddance”? What about you, brother? Will you remember me, John? Was my life so worthless that it’s as short as a dawn? JUMP! I don’t give a fuck about anything I’m done trynna understand the petty shit Tell me how to feel? Better get fucking real Now, I know who to kill, I know who to kill Not desiring the fall, it’s the terror of the flames I take off my shoes, it’s the end of the game Everything’s clear, I know whose life to claim Let’s get on with the show, immortalize my name Cover your face and open every window Here I rise like an earthly widow Turning eternal, becoming the hero So take off your chains and jump out that window COVER YOUR FACE AND OPEN EVERY WINDOW HERE I RISE LIKE AN EARTHLY WIDOW TURNING ETERNAL, BECOMING THE HERO SO TAKE OFF YOUR CHAINS AND JUMP OUT THAT WINDOW Take a step forward, take a step back Take a deep breath, have a second to relax Strange, how even the wind feels welcoming Goes by my cheeks and dries the tears I’ve been gathering Take a step forward, no reason to hesitate You've gone through this before, coward! What's there to contemplate? Breathing’s out of sync, body’s sweating through my head Images pass by of Christina, and it’s painted red Take a step forward, look up at the sky I don't wanna die, I really don't wanna die But the fire’s getting closer, I look down at the dirt It’s gonna be okay, just relax; this won’t hurt. Take a step forward, take a deep breath My soul will be shattering in colourful faith Take a step forward, take a deep breath This is gonna be a beautiful, beautiful... Now this will be a beautiful death I'm jumping out the window I'm letting everything go Letting everything go - Faith

"hey. just leaving this here. i don't think i ever told you this, but when dad died, i didn't really feel.. anything? that never really settled in. it was when i found the note which did get me. but not because i realized what was going on with him. but because what it meant for me. it just made me... y know i told you about that before. when you... when you were gone i couldn't feel anything. but not like with dad. it's like colour had faded from every picture. i don't know if it was weeks or months but there was a moment when it finally settled in. and i think... i think the first thing that really came to mind was... why not me? if it was me who was inherited sin, why couldn't have been me? and i try, Faith. i try so fucking hard every day. and im, im just so scared, because any moment i could decide to fulfill my end of the bargain. but what am i supposed to do? your blood that i've shed, that's not going away. will spilling my own absolve that sin? or is it just another fucking curse? i dont, i dont know, what am i supposed to do? i can't just... move on, i can't forget. every moment in life doesn't pass by without thinking about who you could grown up to be. what can i do to be rid of this guilt? im scared there's nothing i can do. maybe there's a reason to live on. maybe i have to live because... so that i wont forget you. maybe that's how you can live on. that's why i can't die. and if i can't die... does that mean the cycle is over? i don't know. i don't know. i'm sorry, sister. that's the 2555th day i've said that. and I'll keep on saying it." ... i know that you have never loved me that is no longer something i worry even if i can't make up for it this memory, i'll never burn it i know that you cant ever forgive me nothing that i could do will take it back for me but maybe if i put it down in a story that can become my way of saying sorry. - John

today, you'd be fourteen years old 2 years older than i was when you jumped into fire seven years and counting, time you could have acquired i’m on borrowed life, from your funeral pyre couldn't see through it again it feels selfish to claim my life to appease this broken heart so i have to remember your choice all i hear is your voice, your voice, your voice, your voice Charity once said to me "Our lives may be tragedies. But we can still valiantly Accept it as a finality." the graveyard girl, Charity Robbed of it all, empty "If I can find peace with insanity What's to say that you can't then?" woke like a vigilante after dark i’m asking for change with this one remark oh Faith, baby, my sister, i need you... - John

i don't know what to do can't tell what is true the one that i killed was you i'll say what i couldn't say what i couldn't that day you'll stay in the words that i lay want you to remember her smile, her gifted words she could've had the world won't die till December cause April's come and gone i'll put her in this song take care of yourself. - John