"hey. just leaving this here.

i don't think i ever told you this, but when dad died, i didn't really feel.. anything? that never really settled in. it was when i found the note which did get me. but not because i realized what was going on with him. but because what it meant for me. it just made me... y know i told you about that before.

when you... when you were gone i couldn't feel anything. but not like with dad. it's like colour had faded from every picture. i don't know if it was weeks or months but there was a moment when it finally settled in. and i think... i think the first thing that really came to mind was... why not me? if it was me who was inherited sin, why couldn't have been me?

and i try, Faith. i try so fucking hard every day. and im, im just so scared, because any moment i could decide to fulfill my end of the bargain. but what am i supposed to do? your blood that i've shed, that's not going away. will spilling my own absolve that sin? or is it just another fucking curse? i dont, i dont know, what am i supposed to do? i can't just... move on, i can't forget. every moment in life doesn't pass by without thinking about who you could grown up to be. what can i do to be rid of this guilt? im scared there's nothing i can do.

maybe there's a reason to live on. maybe i have to live because... so that i wont forget you. maybe that's how you can live on. that's why i can't die. and if i can't die... does that mean the cycle is over? i don't know. i don't know.

i'm sorry, sister. that's the 2555th day i've said that. and I'll keep on saying it."

...

i know that you have never loved me
that is no longer something i worry
even if i can't make up for it
this memory, i'll never burn it
i know that you cant ever forgive me
nothing that i could do will take it back for me
but maybe if i put it down in a story
that can become my way of saying sorry.

- John