They're calling my old name. "Aurielle, come out." I don't know if I should open, cause I'm scared of my past again. Waste a year or waste a whole life through; does it matter in the end? You've gone and hung me out to dry.

-

I know what you want to say. “Before that, let’s have something to drink.” Didn’t think I’d ever see you smile. That you’d take mortal form. “I just wanted to see your face. I’m glad to see you’re safe.” There’s something off with this. This was supposed to be... I’ve had this dream so many times.

But now it’s over and done. What I believed has come true. Yet, there is incongruity. I wanted them to hear my words - well, now they’re in front of me. Just when I thought I’d let go, you had to come crawling back. But it’s like I’m the one that’s desperate. On this end, you haven’t changed at all. Ana, you are just not fair. It’s not fair.

-

Broken coffee cups. (And it’s a never ending creed.) I lose it and I spill everything in disbelief. I knew that you were behind it all. (“Could we go back to the times it was just you and me?”) How could you let me go, thief?

I don’t even know what I’m living for, (Is this one final tempting plea?) if I can’t have this spite fueling my songs. Thus, summer is ending. (How can I love or trust anyone again?) So is my life a part of this moonlight?

Ridiculous! That you regret everything. Ananiel, you’ll give up eternity just for me? Preposterous. “Aurielle, just hear what I say” The man you knew is gone, so stop fucking calling me by that name! I won’t hear it.

-

and they told me everything
it was all i suspected and more
and i'm not sure how i felt about it
it's like blood dripping from the wrist
the being that they're talking about
it doesn't exist, i can't identify myself
but they knew everything that i would do
i feel sick i feel fucking sick
my head gets dizzy
and i can't breath
fuck i can't breath
this body feels like a spiked cage
there's a glow from above my head, feathers from my back
i tear it all down
i'll break them apart
i'll
tear
it
all
down

AND THEY TOLD ME
"Bird, we can run away together."
BUT I’M FUCKING SICK OF RUNNING AWAY
I TELL THEM NO
AND I’VE BEEN WAITING AN ETERNITY TO TELL THEM THAT
I WON'T BE YOUR FUCKING TOOL ANYMORE
I GAVE UP EVERYTHING SO I WONT BE YOURS FOREVER
I'M GIVING UP YOU
AND MOONLIGHT
AND URIEL
AND GOD
AND I FEEL
I FEEL

free

-

The last thing they said was “I think I like your songs now more.” And once the door closed, I fell on the floor.

Cause everyone thinks who they are is defined by memories. But cause of depersonalization, I’ve dissociated who I was from who I am now. So it’s like having a dream from the eyes of a stranger. When they say, “Home is different now,” that won’t register to me. What even is a home, anyway? Cause this is the most comfortable I’ve felt with myself in years. I guess I’ll take the cringy route and I’ll say that “home is where the heart is.” That sounds like something they’d say, huh. Well, then, I have something in my own words, without moonlight.

“I’m a rock and roll suicide.”

-

And like that. All my tears were wiped away. I’ll take this melody and start a life.