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I Can't Afford Therapy So I Write Pop Songs Instead

by JohnJRenns

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zxcbrd
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zxcbrd i initially wasnt crazy about this album but after listening to it more i actually really like it. very cohesive and has a couple really memorable songs!! (also has some of your best lyrical work imo) Favorite track: Hammerspace.
joy
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joy Being sad has never been so fun Favorite track: Porter Robinson.
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1.
Pop Song 02:14
Hey, can someone tell me what to do tonight? I’m scared I’ll die alone cause I don’t live my life right Damn, the future’s getting nearer everyday Wake up, get your head on straight My heart is beating fast It’s telling me if I keep this up, it won’t take it anymore Oh well, I never thought highly of life anyway I feel like I’ll die any day by now I’ve convinced myself that, but I don’t know how Don’t think I’ll practice self help tonight I’ll sing about about how I don’t feel alive Hey, am I lost or am I blind? I put how others see me before how I see myself I can’t remember the last time I felt happy with myself Oh, sometimes I think about if I lay down and close my eyes, will I never wake up? If death is like that, I might not have to be scared And please stop telling me it will be fine It just reminds me that the fault is mine Don’t think I’ll practice self care tonight Maybe in this song, I’ll find how to survive
2.
Reality 03:53
A static noise It’s scuffing out my joy My mind is going in panic mode I’m burning up And time is slowing down It’s breaking at the seams Just feel it, and don't think It’s never worth the time to heal Tell yourself it’s fine It’s a good day I’m dying anyway Manic depression is just amazing No, it's not fine I'm about to lose my mind I’m screaming out a sigh You know it, can’t you see This mindset’s all I can afford Like painting sweeter dreams Hey, are you out there Tell me you're out there Or anywhere I don't even know if I'm sane or not You gotta be out there Tell me you're out there I'm fine, I swear It's breaking apart My reality I’m waking up Fighting intrusive thoughts It’s just a moment of self reflection I hate this life I’m running out of time But I can make this right Just feel it, and don't think I’m sure it will be over soon But how come I feel so scared Why can't I see you Why can't I hear you Things that I know Running through my head Was it all a dream? No, I can't see you No, I can't hear you While all alone I wait for a time When you’ll come back home Hey, are you out there Tell me you're out there Or anywhere I don't even know if I'm sane or not You gotta be out there Tell me you're out there I'm fine, I swear It's breaking apart My reality
3.
I wake up Drenched in sweat It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I have been paralayzed I can’t stop Talking to myself in the dark It makes me feel like I am not alone So it’s another night where I stay up until it’s too late 寝たいや I’ve stayed up for 3 days in a row and I feel like I’m going insane Am I crazy? Don’t say I’m too lazy Nothing ever phase me I feel like I’m fading Maybe there’s something wrong with me Not like I didn’t know that already But when I close my eyes, I see a broken face in the dark Dark circles in my eyes When I lay down, it feels like something is pressing down on me I’m losing my mind So it’s another night where I stay up until it’s too late 寝たいや I’ve stayed up for 3 days in a row and I feel like I’m going in- I don’t know where I am in life Consequently, I don’t think I feel alive The darkness is where I belong Turn off the light because I’m gone
4.
You raise me up To higher ground I have been wandering around A thousand lives The broad, bold daylight Home just for a night You raise me up To higher skies Now I'm just kissing off my pride My haunts are cold I'm feeling old All my colored ink has dried Won't see me around Cant recognize myself this far underground Won't see me around One look into my eyes and you're going down I'm so unseen Always have been It counts for nothing anyway The face I take may be too small But whose it was I can't recall I steal from God When I'm allowed I never thought that it was bad A rabbit goes into a hat Did you notice he was mad Won't see me around Cant recognize myself this far underground Won't see me around One look into my eyes and you're going down Get up get the party started You're not leaving broken hearted Get up get the party started You're not leaving broken hearted Get up get the party started You're not leaving broken hearted Get up get the party started You're not leaving broken hearted Won't see me around Cant recognize myself this far underground Won't see me around One look into my eyes and you're going down Won't see me around Cant recognize myself this far underground Won't see me around One look into my eyes and you're going down
5.
One strand of caffeine steeping deep inside your mind Yeah, and it's brewed fine Perfectly conjured Melting pot of black contour Now you’ll survive until tomorrow She won’t miss you There is nothing you can do but make it yourself Without her here to help Guess you’ll forget about her in the end It’s easier to run than to make amends Isn’t it? Please quiet down She said that's enough Don't you know your time is up? You were given all the time that you need Just get a grip Can’t spend your whole life chasing after filly dreams But you don’t know how to let it go So I’ll see you again tomorrow That bittersweet taste’s nothing like what she would make It’s just a fake Mixed with black and white Like the colours of the night Reflecting light, they’re like her eyes Counting every day by hand Time’s slipping by like a grain of sand You’ve pursued this dream for years And you ended up here with nothing to show So she walked out the door Said it was enough Couldn’t bear to look at your slow demise That was the last cup of coffee she made for you Give me a break You act like a child Your one chance might take awhile You're destroying all you have for this dream But at what cost? Take another sip Bitter like a deadly kiss You've come too far to give up now; yeah, I know That’s why you'll try again tomorrow Crush these words into pieces Set it all ablaze Set it all ablaze It doesn’t matter if it’s your best shot It’s a life So you’ll give it all you’ve got I know it's hard That it feels like you've done everything that you can Then why is it everyone leaves you behind It's like a joke You're playing a role A play you cannot escape Trapped in a tragedy that you create Please quiet down I said that's enough Don't you know your time is up? You were given everything that you need Just get a grip Can’t spend your whole life chasing after filly dreams But you don’t know how to let it go So I’ll see you again tomorrow I know you’ll try again tomorrow
6.
Hammerspace 03:40
Oh baby how could this be You know my body better than me Yeah you know all my weak spots Handling me like I'm a queen Licking me clean In a cartoon sex scene We are changing Bodies mangling Turning to ink Dye our bloodstreams Painting sweeter dreams Do whatever you want Say whatever you wanna say I wanna forget about this So tell me where my hammerspace is When the memory's stuck We go crazy when we f- When the memories stir Baby it's like a full-on war Do whatever you want Say whatever you wanna say I wanna forget about this So tell me where my hammerspace is
7.
Don't tell me that I'm nice I'm never asking you this twice If I’m the bad one here Then I can let you go with just tears Guess you have just me to blame I think when you told me I’m insane I must have thought, “well, okay, that’s right” It’s alright Running across the aisle I’ll walk a 100,000 miles Cause I can’t stay here Lest I remember you, my dear Looking at the photograph I’m tearing it off in half I am setting off alone in flight Yeah, alright
8.
I know; what's the point? If art is all you've got It seems like it's for nothing You think it's worth a shot You try to hide the tears away Like a child, you throw a fit and say “I’m alright, it’s fine. Just one more year and I’ll be signed.” So that’s what keeps you alive But is that really true? Do you exist for art Or does art exist for you? Well, I don’t have the answers, man We just do what we want in ways we can I don’t think it’s wrong That you just want to sing a song I know it comes off as just dumb You’ve mastered how to become numb But is it really so wrong to become like kids for once? If this is everything If that is what you mean Why can’t you see that you’re worth more than this? You don’t want to appease And you want to be free But isn’t this the same as being locked without a key? You can’t remember why you started doing this You’ve forgotten how much fun all this all used to be What started as a way to cope is now another ruse But keep doing what you want to do It’s a state of codependency A parasitic tendency You give up your life to achieve your dreams Not knowing that’s the source of your screams “Art is my purpose in life”, you justify the strain But there’s nothing irreplaceable about pain Remember how you used to play It doesn’t have to be this way If honesty is virtue And authenticity’s what makes art good But revealing value in lies is a way of searching for a truth So a toast to all the dreamers The schemers and the builders This doesn’t have to be your reason for living But I don’t think it’s wrong if it helps you with healing It seems inconsequential We want to believe it’s essential But as long as it’s important to you That is what remains true So give it all you’ve got It might not mean a lot But meaning’s something we assign ourselves I know you have to write But don’t give up your life Don’t lose your way and don’t forget to take care of yourself An artist, at their core, is someone who’s self obsessed It’s the only way we can do what we do without being a mess And that’s the point Cause it exists for no one else but you So keep doing what you want to do
9.
When I was young, I never felt sad or lonely I just lived moment to moment I had no duties, no responsibilities Just a rebel without a cause Now I'm scared of change Cause, will I be the same? I think I’ve become the very thing I used to detest When I was young, I heard a song on the internet I remember it was so strange But in it, something spoke to me like nothing else And an artificial voice sang a song: “I’ll say goodbye soon I’ll surround you And give life to a world that’s our own” So let’s give it all we’ve got Cause we might not have a lot But still I'm I’m love in with you I’ll stay true to you When I feel happy, I Doubt myself So can I rely on you for help? You don’t need any reason I put on Porter Robinson And we sing: We depend on you We depend on you We’ll make it through the night That's all right But can I rely on you Can I rely on you Can I rely on (Is anyone there?) - I swear, this always happens It always finds a way I always make mistakes when I start to feel too safe We did so much together But I can’t handle this Drink like there’s no tomorrow Like I’m a little kid I know that you're beautiful But you gotta learn to take care of yourself 'Cause you are the top shelf Yeah we play these games It's queer We're lucid We're strange And maybe deranged You're changing your name I'm changing my name back You can't hop on a plane back To the place where your face didn't pain you to look at 'Cause you gotta learn to take care of yourself Yeah we play these games It's queer We're lucid We're strange You're changing your name I'm changing my name back You can't hop on a plane back To the place where your face didn't pain you to look at 'Cause you gotta learn to take care of yourself You gotta learn to take care of yourself You gotta learn to take care of yourself You gotta learn to take care of yourself You gotta learn to take care of yourself Yeah we play these games It's queer We're lucid We're strange Learn to take care of yourself Changing my name back Hop on a plane back Learn to take care of yourself To the place where your face Where your face didn't face Top chef gonna cook that I order the steak I order the Porter Battles are never over It takes so long to fight We knock out all the strangers We write and write and write It don't get any easier I wanna see us free Let's sing out in the morning You can depend on me

about

We're strange
And maybe deranged

-

Album 5 of 12 in ALBUM-A-MONTH 2021

37:17

credits

released May 27, 2021

Cover art by VQCD (twitter.com/VQCD_Official)

All music written and produced by JohnJRenns (Tracks 2, 4, 6 and 9 co-written with Jeff Burgess, 9 contains material written by Porter Robinson and Patricia Taxxon)

Featuring the vocal talents of:
KAL-LA-KAL-LA on track 1 soundcloud.com/kal-la-kal-la
ELEANOR FORTE on tracks 2
SOFT GIRL (Jeff & Audrey) on track 4
JEFF BURGESS (Just Fern) on tracks 6 and 9 www.youtube.com/c/JustFern (+ lyrics and mixing on 4, co-writer on 2, 6 and 9)
WHAT ABOUT FLOWERS on track 5 whataboutflowers.bandcamp.com
INKYFIREFLY on track 7 inkyfirefly.bandcamp.com
and UCKLIN on track 8 soundcloud.com/ucklin
(AVANNA is also featured on track 9)

Also featuring ELIZA on bass for track 4 twitter.com/Esharp777

"Porter Robinson" interpolates "Goodbye to a World" by Porter Robinson, "Kanban", and "Nine Stars" by Patricia Taxxon

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JohnJRenns South Korea

The former musical alias of Cecily Renns. cecilyrenns.bandcamp.com

“Frankly, pop culture is a bit better at rocking people emotionally than the better chunk of the so-called fine arts.” - Kadono Kouhei, authour of ‘Boogiepop’

“...소위 팝컬쳐라 불리는 게 있다. 예술이라 하기엔 좀 그렇긴 한데 하여튼 사람의 마음을 뒤흔드는 점에 간해서는 어정쩡한 파인 아트보다 힘이 세기도 하는 놈이다.” - 카도노 코우헤이, '부기팝' 작가
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